We’re always taught either ‘forgive and forget’ or ‘forgive but don’t forget’, but why aren’t we ever told ‘don’t forgive and don’t forget’? What about the times when someone doesn’t deserve even a bit of your forgiveness? Why is our strength based on whether or not you can "find it in your heart" to forgive someone?
I can honestly say that this has very rarely happened in my life. I am a fairly forgiving person — I tend to brush it off my shoulders and move on with my life. I have had people break me or my heart and have eventually realized that I did forgive them; I’d had the time to heal, process and accept. Truth be told, there’s only one person that I know I can never forgive and in my opinion, I have every right not to. I may not forgive someone, but that doesn't mean I'm looking for revenge either. I'm really not.
The thing about betrayal is that the closer the person is to you, the more painful it is. When someone that you told everything to, who knew everything about you, knew your demons and your struggles, and made promises to you that you never imagined they’d break, betrays you, it feels like the wind has been knocked out of you. It’s hard to deal with something like that, especially when it comes out of left field.
I went through a lot of different phases when this happened to me recently. I cried, I was sad, I was angry, I was numb to it, crazily angry again, and then the indifference set in. Yes, it makes me sad that it happened. It makes me angry that it happened. But I found that I could not stay angry. Well, not that I was incapable. More that I chose not to. It wasn’t worth it…that person did what they did, didn’t attempt to mend it or apologize, and that made them unworthy of my time, thoughts or emotions. Being angry was pointless.
So to that person: no. I’m not angry with you. But I can never, ever forgive you.
I doubt you want forgiveness anyway. I mean, the chances that you even realize you were wrong are very slim. You’ll always have your own, twisted side of the story and that’s fine. Getting away was refreshing, and I know that eventually you’ll be nothing but a distant memory. Do I still find myself upset sometimes, confused, wanting to scream? Sure. But all the emotions I have had? They have been bottled up into absolute refusal to forgive you (for the most part).
We can be told over and over again that when you’re unforgiving, you’re a bad person; that the ‘right’ thing to do is to forgive everyone no matter what they’ve done to you. That forgiveness is what strong people do. I no longer believe that. I don’t have to do anything I don’t feel that I should, and that revelation in itself has been incredibly freeing.
Don’t forgive someone because you think that you have to. Also, don’t not forgive someone who might deserve it because you’re mad at the moment. It seems confusing but in all honesty, you have to really feel out the situation and find out what’s right for your well being and your mental state. But I do have one suggestion for you: let the anger out, and keep it out. If you aren’t willing to forgive someone, chances are they don’t deserve to take up any of your time anymore.
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