A YEAR LATER...

Despite my lack of writing in the past year or so, I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and about life.

I'm not going to lie, at 22, I thought I knew it all. I felt like I had everything figured out.

So now, here I am, 23 going on 24, sitting in my bed, covered in paint from some therapeutic painting sessions throughout my day, wondering how in the hell one measly year has taught me so much more than I could have ever imagined.

Now, this isn't going to be a universally helpful post with advice and "things I learned that will totally help you out too!" like I've done in the past. This blog is about things I have learned along the way. And I've accepted that sometimes I learn things about myself and where I'm at personally that others don't relate to and maybe never will.

Therefore, here is a list of things I learned about myself in the year since I've graduated college and began a whole new chapter in my life.

1. I am not looking for a relationship. Geez, for so long I thought that's what I needed and wanted. It was so frustrating when I'd meet a new guy, begin thinking about all of the wonderful possibilities there could be with him, and then be sitting across the table from him wishing I could dash out and run home. There was constantly something wrong with each guy I would date and I began to wonder if I was just too picky or if I was meant to be alone forever. However, I learned (way too many bad dates/relationships later) that no, I was not being too picky. I can't help it if I don't feel a connection or a desire to be with someone. And I was LOOKING. I was actively searching for someone to be with and make a future with instead of living my life and letting that person come along whenever it was fit and we were both ready to find each other. I'm good with being single. I like it just fine. I want to have fun and enjoy my life in whatever way I see fit for me. I feel free. I feel like I have control over my life. Don't get me wrong, if the "one" (although I don't believe there's only one person for you, one "soulmate" - but that's another blog post) were to show themselves tomorrow, or if something just happened to fall into place, then sure. But I'm so done looking. Side note: I'm also really sick of guys always assuming girls want a relationship with them. News flash, we don't.

2. Sometimes, you graduate with your bachelors degree only to realize a month later that you don't want to use it. Okay, well maybe not that I don't want to use it at all, but I sure don't plan on being a therapist or a psychologist like I thought I would. I love psychology, I always have and I always will. But the summer after I graduated, I worked in a summer program at a preschool and I kid you not, one day in and everything I knew about my future was suddenly in a million pieces. I absolutely loved it. I loved the kids, I loved the environment, and not to toot my own horn, but I was damn good at it. Fast forward to a few months later, and I've managed to snag a permanent position as a teaching assistant at that preschool and apply/get accepted to graduate school where I am working to get my masters in early childhood education. Reality and life hit me fast. But I had to grab it and run with it. I had never been so sure of anything, despite it only having been a short amount of time. THAT was where I was meant to be, what I was meant to do. I haven't had one single doubt since that first day at the summer program, over a year later. You don't always find your calling when you think you're going to or when you think you're supposed to. Sometimes it just randomly hits you in the face! Luckily, psychology is a huge part of what I will be doing as a preschool teacher for children with and without disabilities. It feels damn good to know what I want for once.

3. I love where I live. I thought without a doubt that once I graduated and got on my feet that I would be out of New England. California, Florida, anywhere else. I was ready to pack up and get the hell out of Massachusetts. But I have found recently that I love where I live. I love the people, I love the fact that I get to truly experience all four seasons, I love the familiarity. I can't say I'll be here forever, but I wouldn't mind if I was. I am happy here.

4. I'm more forgiving than I give myself credit for. Ironically enough, that post I wrote about that person I swore I would NEVER forgive...yeah, well I did. We hung out a couple times and we cleared the air and the tension has dissipated, but we're not close anymore. We never will be again. But it felt good to just let it go. To say, hey, we both grew up and learned more about ourselves and what happened in the past doesn't define us as people. It wasn't just that person, though. I've found myself reaching out to a lot of people from my past and it has felt really good to feel like all the bad vibes have gone away for good. I still stand by not ever needing to forgive anyone if you don't want to, but I guess it just took me a long time to realize that I actually did want to.

5. I love myself. No matter what, I'm always going to be a ball of anxiety who overthinks everything and needs to relax. I'm always going to wish I was prettier, skinnier, more "interesting", etc, etc, blah blah blah. But you know, I've gotten a handle on my anxiety. I've grown so much more confident than I ever have been. I look in the mirror and I like what I see most of the time. My body isn't perfect, but it's mine and I like to think I work it. I'm a nice person, I'm caring and empathetic and understanding. Sometimes I think I'm kind of funny. And no, I'm not cocky. I'm nowhere close. But I'm slowly realizing that I'm stuck with what I've got and I better love it. So I do.