How To: Knowing What Friends To Keep Around

*Requested & in response to “How To: Rid Yourself of Sh*tty Friends”*

So you’ve learned how to spot those toxic—no good — sh*tty friends. Maybe you’ve officially removed them from your life, and now you’re only left with a handful (or less) of friends.

I spoke before about how I got rid of a lot of bad friends I was keeping around just for the sake of it. Nobody wants to say “Hey, I only have 2 friends!”. But like I’ve said before, and many people before me, a few good friends is so much better and more important than a bunch of fake ones.

I have a handful of friends. I’m not someone who has a lot of them anymore, and I’m okay with that. Not only have I figured out what makes a toxic friend, but I’ve also come to realize what makes a REALLY GOOD FRIEND (I’m gonna call those my good ole RGFs).

What makes someone an RGF and worth keeping around?

1. They make you feel good about yourself. You never leave after being with them feeling down about yourself, like you might with a toxic friend. In fact, you might just feel the opposite. They’re encouraging, shut down all your insecurities and tell you how great you are when you feel like you’re falling apart.
2. They care to ask how you are even when you don’t want to talk. Maybe you’re sending out depressing tweet after depressing tweet, or haven’t answered your texts in a while, making it seem like you’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Most people tend to think that means you want to be completely left alone. And maybe you do. But an RGF will be there if you need to talk, and let you know that. They’ll send a text saying they are there if you need to talk, even if they know you won’t reply. Even a simple, ‘how are you doing’ can make the world of a difference when it feels like you have nobody by your side.
3. You can go days without talking, but it doesn’t change a thing. There are friends you talk to every single day, but what about those ones that you don’t see often, and sometimes don’t even talk to every week? There are some people that if you haven’t talked in a while, you start to grow apart. But an RGF can be someone that even if you haven’t talked in a long time, you’re closer than ever and they will always be there when you need them. You don’t have to constantly be talking or hanging out in order for them to be a good friend. Low-maintenance friends are just as good in my book.
4. They’re always looking out for your best interest. They want to see you succeed, not fail. They urge you to do what’s best for you, and aren’t selfish about it. Don’t stick around someone who is trashing your dreams and aspirations, or someone who fills your mind with fears and doubts. Encouragement and honest advice is a quality you need in a RGF.
5. They’ll always be on your side. No double agents allowed! Even if you make a mistake, they don’t leave your side. They are honest with you, sure, but they're still there at the end of the day because they know the true you and your true intentions. They don’t betray you, turn on you, or kick you while you’re down. They stand up for you, and help you stand up for yourself.
6. Your fights are nonexistent, insignificant and/or only make your friendship stronger. Believe it or not, there are friends I have never fought with. But some of my RGFs and I have gotten into arguments, but that didn’t tear us apart. Maybe we both realized how stupid it was, or we weren’t willing to let it get in the way of our friendship. And many times, getting into these arguments can actually make your bond stronger. This is especially true if you feel as though both of you are holding things in that need to be let out.
7. You can be completely yourself with them. They know the weirdest and worst sides of you. You don’t have to put on a facade, you are entirely yourself when you’re with them and you don’t feel the need to pretend to be anything else. And they feel the same way with you. It takes a RGF to see the sides of you you tend to hide from everyone else, and still want to be your friend.
8. They take care of you. This can be mentally, physically, or whatever ways they choose to show they care. There have been times I was way too drunk, and my good friends sacrificed the rest of their night to make sure I drank enough water, had my hair held back when I threw up, and got safely into bed. Or when I got dumped and needed someone to come lay with me and put on a sappy movie while we ate our weights in junk food.
9. You can always be completely honest with each other. Honesty and cruelty are two very different things. You can be honest without being mean and that’s what an RGF knows how to do. “I might try a different top!” is a lot nicer than “That shirt looks terrible on you”. If you don’t like their new significant other, “You deserve someone who treats you right” is a much better option than “I hate them, and you’re stupid for staying with them.” Not only are they able to deliver the truth nicely, but they are also not afraid to hold back. Don’t lie and say they look good when you know they don’t. Don’t tell them you like their significant other just to please them. Honesty is the best policy!
10. You can’t imagine life without them in it. Simple as that.

My Love/Hate Relationship For The Lack of Commitment in Today’s Youth

“Hey Haley, how’s your boyfriend?” -My mother
“He’s not my boyfriend, mom, we’re just talking!” -Me

It’s no secret that older generations do not have the slightest clue of what “talking” means when it comes to dating. I cannot even count the amount of conversations my mom and I have had in which I’ve had to explain why the guy I was seeing wasn’t my boyfriend, and that we were not technically “dating”.

“Talking” in summary, takes all commitment and labels out of dating someone. You text, snapchat, hang out occasionally, maybe you’re hooking up,  but you’re  not announcing it, not labeling it, and most definitely not getting into a relationship on Facebook.

Some people hate it. Some people just like commitment and without it, end up falling for the person and wanting it to be more.

Some people love it. No strings attached, you can do whatever you want with anyone you want, feelings don’t have to make everything messy. Simple, easy.

Generally speaking, I’ve found most people have a preference, or don’t care much at all.

For me, I have quite the love/hate relationship with “talking”.

Sometimes, I think talking to someone casually is just fine. Maybe I’m not sure if I want to commit to anything, and maybe I’m just not ready. And honestly speaking, maybe I just don’t like the person enough.

However…sometimes it’s the most frustrating thing in the world to be partaking in. In my opinion, it can be hard to “talk” to someone for a long time and manage to not catch any feelings. More often than not, at least one of the two involved ends up falling for the other, and if the feeling isn’t mutual, it can be a serious emotional disaster.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t accidentally fallen for someone who never had any intention of committing to me. And it does not feel good.

So what do you do? Do you risk getting hurt because you’d rather have something with someone than nothing? Do you risk the other person falling for you, when you know you’re definitely not into getting into a real relationship?

I’m still working that out.

Our generation has completely ripped apart the concept of dating. We’ve changed it, mixed it around, taken out huge chunks of it and made it our own. But I can’t help but wonder if it’s hurting our ability to commit and form meaningful relationships. If we’re so focused on having fun and doing what we want, we’re losing that opportunity to really create something strong and bonding with another person (in a romantic, and/or sexual way). Sure, this can’t be said for everyone. Not everyone is into the “talking” stage, and much rather prefer relationships. But sometimes, being in that stage is just what someone needs before they’re READY to commit to something big. So really, it’s hard to say if this new way of dating is detrimental or not. I’d be interested to see how the amount of marriages in our generation go up or down, and similarly with divorce. Will we see more people opting out of getting married, for the purpose of never having to truly choose one person? Will we see that people are actually now able to better find that one person, because of their lack of committing to just anyone in the past? It’s something that will be an interesting statistic in the years to come.

So, whether or not you’re a fan of “talking” or not, it’s definitely fascinating how our generation has created a whole new spin on the dating game. 

How To: Rid Yourself of Sh*tty Friends

There comes a point when you begin to realize someone you are friends with is causing you more harm than good.

Maybe they make you feel bad about yourself. Maybe they thrive off of drama. Maybe you see the way they treat others badly. Maybe they talk badly behind your back, or about others to you, giving you a good idea that they’re probably saying things about you to other people.

Whatever your reasoning is, if you think someone is a bad friend and you know it isn’t worth keeping them around, here’s what you gotta do: get rid of them.

Okay, okay, so it doesn’t seem that simple. But the thing is…it kind of is.

I had a friend, let’s call her Samantha. Samantha and I were close friends for a number of years, and for the most part we got along great. We had our squabbles and little fights, but nothing too detrimental. However, as time went on, I began to pick up on little things and the more I noticed, the seemingly worse they got. She would make little comments to bring me down (with the excuse of “I’m just being honest!”…okay, but if I ask you if I look ugly, and you say no, but then tell me all my physical flaws regardless, I’m going to feel pretty bad) or get mad at me out of nowhere, and not tell me what I’d done. I would hear from mutual friends that she was talking about me, and when I’d confront her about it she would lie to my face. She got angry all the time, upset about nothing. She left me out if she had the chance, and would manipulate others when I’d get in fights with other friends because she really, truly thrived off of drama, even if it wasn’t her own. She always wanted to be on top - she wanted to be better than me, just because of her own insecurities.

I put up with Samantha for years. I’d always end up apologizing even when I’d know I hadn’t done anything wrong, because I didn’t like to fight. I tried yelling at her, but that never worked, I tried talking to her nicely and that didn’t work. Nothing worked. And all I would do is dread being around her, and have to pretend everything was alright in order not to cause myself any more stress about it.

But eventually, it just really got to me. I thought about all the horrible things she’d done, how badly she would try to make me feel, and how much of a truly terrible, selfish, manipulative friend she really was. And I’m not going to lie… I snapped.

So one day, I said enough is enough, and I told her I was done with her and could no longer be her friend. She hit me with every insult or jab that she could, but I didn’t care anymore. I’d figured her out. And I knew I would soon be free of her.

In this same span of time, I got rid of a lot of very toxic people around me. I was left with maybe 2 or 3 really good friends I could trust. At first it felt lonely and I almost missed having a big group of friends even if I was miserable when they were around. But I really thought about it, and as cliche as it sounds, I would so much rather have a few good friends, than a bunch of fake ones.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first. We’re kind of taught not to at times, that we shouldn’t be selfish. But with your relationships with other people, if they’re not making you feel good and aren’t benefiting you in anyway, it’s time to be selfish. It’s time to say, you know what, I matter more than what you make me feel sometimes.

It’s hard. it’s hard to say goodbye to a friend you shared some good memories with. But in the end, it is so worth it. It’s freeing. You feel like you can breathe again, like you’ve cleaned out all the dirt and muck you were covered in.

If there’s someone you know like this, do yourself a favor and step away. If I’ve learned anything in my  life so far, it’s that people don’t change. And if they do, it’s not because you wanted them to. You cannot make anyone change. They have to want to.

So say goodbye to those terrible friends, and find people who make you feel as good, if not better, of a person as you are.